Wednesday, November 17, 2010

REST

As I've said in an earlier blog, adopting an older child in our case means dealing with overstimulation constantly. Translation: she is pretty wild. When she's nervous, she's especially wild, and so I know its not comfortable or restful for her when she's acting like that. Because Collins has not gotten what she needs the first 5 years of her life, we are having to retrain her brain to: "Yes, someone will take care of me. I don’t have to be in charge. Yes, they will love me no matter what. Yes, somebody cares when I cry and they will come and try to meet my need. I can trust this person. They are trustworthy." So this cycle of trust has to be repeated over and over so that she learns she can trust us. She is safe now. Her needs matter to us. She is valued, loved and cared for. We are trustworthy. She can believe us, so FINALLY she can be calm on the inside. Its all okay now.

Inner rest is what this child needs. I can’t wait for her to heal on the inside so she can have that! And yet this is something we all aspire to, to have peace, to be at rest. As a parent, this is what I so desperately want for Collins, just as our heavenly father wants that for each of His children. He wants us at peace about ourselves and our circumstances because we are trusting in Him. In the LONG wait of this adoption, I put an index card in the front of my adoption file to give myself a truth just to battle discouragement. It quoted Jesus, "My peace I give to you..." and then underneath I wrote something I had read somewhere..."This is a peace that comes from looking into His face and realizing His undisturbedness." He wasn't disturbed by the long wait. Everything was right on schedule. He was giving His peace about the situation to me.

I recently taught on Psalm 95 and for this blog I'm sharing some of that message on this Collins blog because it was a spiritual lesson that has been fleshed out for me the past 8 weeks with her. Even more than that, these were truths that are heavily intertwined with my life story. This is long and hopefully not too preachy, but hey, what do you expect from the blog of 2 people who met at seminary?

In the last couple of verses of Psalm 95 the psalmist gives a warning about not having REST because of unbelief. In verses 8-11 he refers to the 40 year detour the children of Israel took because of their lack of trust in God as He led them along. Their murmuring and complaining and unbelief led to their exclusion from the promised land. This was the consequence of their lack of faith. These people had trust issues! But obviously we do too. It’s the natural fleshly default to not believe. Not trust. To forget what God has done for us in the past.

These verses in Psalm 95 are repeated in Heb. 3 and 4, a complicated passage but one whose theme is, you guessed it, REST.

What do I mean by REST? When you look at REST in the OT with Israel, rest was their inheritance. They didn’t get all that God had for them because they simply didn’t believe Him. Not obtaining rest for the Christian means failing to enter into all the blessings that could be ours (our inheritance) if we had faithfully trusted and obeyed God. That is startling to me, because I don’t want to miss ONE SINGLE thing that He has for me. For the Israelites, their blessing was limited. They didn’t receive all that God had for them, even though they were still His kids.

This can tie into rewards in heaven, but there is also our daily inheritance from God right now. His peace, His joy, His complete acceptance and love. Incredible riches in Christ are ours DAILY, that is our inheritance. Like Israel, we can forfeit that rest by just simply not believing God.

In fact you see this throughout the whole Bible. I don’t know if this sounds theologically sound, but as you read the Bible from cover to cover it seems that God’s problem or frustration is that His people repeatedly don’t believe Him. The people of Israel would see His mighty works over and over. They would experience His supernatural provision and care, and STILL they wouldn’t believe Him when the times got tough. Sometimes when reading their exhausting history you can feel like saying, “What a bunch of losers! Why couldn’t they see?” And yet, then I think of myself and my faltering faith. I think of the disciples in the New Testament. Jesus told them to their face what would happen, that He had to go through the cross and that He would rise again. But it's as if He had never said a word when it all came down. Maybe thats why He kept saying to them, “O ye of little faith.” This is the problem that God has with His people.

So here in Psalm 95 and in Hebrews, God warns us not to follow in that same path of unbelief. Our belief or trust is very important to God. Unbelief is such an enemy of His. Here’s an example: Let's say you really struggle with self worth. You don’t feel valued. God looks at you as I would look at Collins and say, “Wait! You are the most precious thing in the world to me! I’ve done everything to show it to you. Its all in the Scriptures, my son died for you, my creation is speaking it to you daily…” And yet maybe you’re just hobbling along. That’s limited blessing because you not reading or believing what He has said about you in His Word. He’s said it, it's all there, but you’re not experiencing the unbelievable freedom and joy His truths can bring to you. Heb 3:12 says see to it that you don’t have a sinful, unbelieving heart. I know I have spent many a day in the last 47 years on the unbelief side, not trusting Him for whatever struggles I was going through at the time. And for each of those days, I wasn't experiencing the inheritance I had as a child of His that day.

This has been the story of my life over and over. In every significant thing, He speaks and I have the choice to believe or not. Belief started for me when my home life was a little shaky, and I knew then that I wasn't building on anything again that could fall apart. After that, everything from waiting on Carl, my health, each of my children, and Orphan Ministry - these were all times where there was a crisis of belief.

They were each fierce training grounds of learning to walk by faith and not by sight. God did that in my life because that’s what His people are to do. We are those people, the Christians, those people who walk by faith. Scripture says the just shall live by faith. It is critical to Him that I trust Him. I understand that so much better now that I have Collins because I'm trying to earn her trust. I'm trying to get into her brain that I am HERE for her forever, that I will never leave her, there is nothing she could do to lose my love, she is my child! That she trust me is very important, and its given me a deeper understanding of why my belief in Him is so critical.

Let me close with this. Years ago we were really wrestling with this decision on whether to adopt or not. It really was a call to care for orphans and there were so many reasons not to do it. We are older, didn’t have the $, empty nest soon... But God spoke to me very clearly in a myriad of ways, one of which was Matthew 18:5. One of the other ways that was significant was in Acts when I was reading about the Macedonian vision. Paul was trying to go in one direction in his mission work and God prevented him. One night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia pleading with him, “Come to Macedonia and help us!” That was the orphans for me, come and help us! Clearly. So Paul went. As I was studying this I was blown away by the words of commentators on this specific moment in history.

“Authentic turning points in history are few. But surely among them that of the Macedonian vision ranks high. Because of Paul’s obedience at this point, the gospel went westward: and ultimately Europe and the Western world were evangelized. Christian response to the call of God is never a trivial thing. Indeed, as in this instance, great issues and untold blessings may depend on it.” soniclight.com

Great issues and untold blessings depend on me believing what God had said to me……for us that meant going all the way to China to get this little peanut. Let me tell you, 8 weeks in, it TERRIFIES me to think I could have missed this child. To think of her in that awful life. To think that I would have not been her mother! We have such abundance and laughter with her. To think that I would not have believed God, and I could have said, “No thanks. I know you’re speaking but this really doesn’t make sense, I'm scared, I can't see, so I'd rather not.” It's astounding to think that unbelief would have cost me one of the greatest blessings of my life.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Huge Strides

Collins is making great progress. She's speaking more english, a little at a time. She's saying phrases like "let's eat", "go outside", "go see home" (when we're out), and when we're home and she wants to leave she pretends to be driving a car. Sunday night I had a meeting at church so Carl was keeping her in the foyer. She starting whining and crying for me, wouldn't stop, so Carl took her to his office where she had a meltdown. We hooked up when I got out of my meeting and she was fine. She needed to go to the bathroom and while there she proceeded to explain to me that whole episode. I totally knew what had happened without Carl telling me! She pointed to herself, and then ran her fingers down from her eyes like she was crying. She said, "Where's Mommy? Where's Mommy?", then said "Daddy" with a frown. I started laughing, she was telling on him or telling on herself! She understands most everything we say and is very clever to the point where we now realize we have to be careful what we say around her. Today, for the first time, she was without Carl or I in close proximity. Carl was at work and I had to go to work, so we bribed her by telling her Conner was going to take her to get ice cream! Somehow it worked and she jumped right in the car with him. That was a really good sign, that she knows if she's away from us that we will come back. She's still pretty much 100% dependent on me, following my every move all day long. But today she had a friend over for a little while. They did pretty good and I was actually able to be on a different floor of the house from them for maybe 10 minutes at a time. Whew! Yesterday, Collins and I put together a metal rack for her closet. She LOVED the entire experience of going to Lowe's to pick it out, and then putting it together. She's very mechanical and is fascinated with how things work and how they are put together. Maybe an engineer one day.... At bedtime she went to the closet, pointed to the rack, and asked through gestures if she could put the rack in the bed so it could sleep with her! Today when her little friend was over I was telling her that Sophie didn't have a brother. Collins looked over at Conner, grinned and said, "Caca BASEBALL!" She doesn't know her other brother plays baseball too. Caca is brother in Cantonese but since its not such a nice word in spanish we get lots of looks and laughs with her. We're still trying to get her to make the switch to "Conner", and about half the time now she calls him "Tonna". If someone asks her what her name is, she will say "Cowwins." How cute is that? Another thing she really loves to do is to help me cook. She peels the potatoes for me, stirs and butters things, and is amazing at folding clothes. I'm sure the orphanage gave her lots of experience in that. Overall, we are pretty amazed at the huge strides she has made since we got her on Sept. 16th. When I think back to her behavior in China to how she is now, its encouraging to see how much calmer and compliant she is. (Except at church of course!) Yesterday, I taught the women's Bible Study at our church on Psalm 95 with our Collin's journey woven throughout. At the end they showed the video we have of her on youtube, and then that crazy girl went on the stage in front of about 150 women and sang "Jesus Loves Me" and "There is None Like You". Husky, little baby voice singing truth...what is better than that? I'll close with this. The other night Carl and I were watching the video I posted earlier on vimeo. Its an animated video about a little girl living in an orphanage who's just waiting, watching others get picked. Collins watched it through and then we were telling her that this was about a little girl in an orphanage with no mommy or daddy. We talked (through motions) that she had a mommy and daddy, but this little girl didn't. She quickly pointed to me and to Carl and then pointed to the little girl on the video. We got chills. We think she was telling us to go get her.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Hard Stuff

None of us like to hurt. It's no fun to stare pain in the face. Maybe thats why as long as I can remember I would quickly change the t.v. channel when those images of orphans and starving children were put in front of my eyes. It wasn't pleasant to think about their suffering, and so the easiest thing to do was to put it out of my mind. As I've said earlier, I have cried very little since we got Collins. Many things have been bottled up inside of me, but tonight was different. A friend who recently returned with her third child from China sent me this video from a friend's blog. I double-dog dare you to watch it and then I'll explain further.

vimeo.com/13888620

This video was made by the son of a couple in the Cincinnati area who recently adopted a little boy from China with serious medical issues. His name is Owen. Owen's big brother made this video. Below is a Owen's mom talking about his response after seeing it:

"This past week, as we have all been preparing for our presentation on Sunday, Owen watched this video for the first time. We didn't expect him to catch much of the meaning behind it, but at the end of the video, he looked at me with tears in his eyes. I asked if he was okay, and he held up his hands and said, "Nobody take her," and then he began to weep. He lay his head in my lap and cried for this little girl who was left behind. We couldn't believe how much he understood. Then he looked up at me and said, "Mommy, lot, lot babies in Kaifeng, no mommy no daddy," and cried some more. It took us awhile to console him. We suspect that, once he gets a few more years on him and once his English is intact, he will be the most powerful speaker in the family."

I hope Owen grows up to be a powerful speaker for those left behind. We went into Collins' orphanage 7 weeks ago. Honestly, its just so painful to think about what we saw there. I think I've tried to put it out of my mind and so I've focused on daily life with Collins. But this video brought it all back, and the tears fell. Imagine how those children felt as we came in, the happy family with our new little Collins. We blogged earlier about the 12 year old girl that followed us around. She's been on the list for 2 years, but hasn't been picked because she has Hep. B. At 14 she's out on the streets. Another boy about 12 went everywhere we went, smiling at us and being very charming. Was he thinking that if he smiled enough and was kind enough that we would pick him too? One little girl (I think a girl. Her head was shaved and she had on pink shorts) followed us around and looked very unhappy. As we were leaving, I tenderly placed my hand on her back. She jumped back as if I had hit her. Was it because a tender touch from a mom was just too painful? Was that touch throwing it in her face, the one thing she so desperately needed but wasn't getting, the love of a mom? I think her hope was fading.

There is a dear lady who is the receptionist at our church who shared her story with me. She was adopted at about age 10. She remembers getting dressed up every week, and hoping to be the one that would get picked. Heartbreaking to think about a child having to go through that. This is real life stuff. I've seen it with my own eyes. As painful as it is to think about, I hope God keeps this fresh in my mind. The raw reality is that tonight kids all over the world are waiting for someone to come to their rescue.

I hope you will all watch this video and share it. This Sunday is Orphan Sunday at churches all over the country. Go to orphansunday.org for more information.


Thursday, November 4, 2010







Progress

Hey All,
Life with Collins is getting sweeter every day! She came into our lives on Sept. 16th so we've had her about 6-7 weeks. She's beginning to speak some sentences in English, even though I believe she understands most of the things we say to her. I guess its normal to process things and take them in first before speaking them. The other night at dinner Carl took a sip from my glass and she said, "That's Mommy's cup". Wow, we couldn't believe it, just felt like it was all of a sudden. Everyday since then baby sentences are coming out a little at a time. Things like, "Again, Daddy", "Call Gran Jan", "Let's sing", and of course...."Where's the candy?"! She is a busy, busy active girl just bustling through life everyday. I was thinking about putting her in preschool one or two days a week, thinking that she was missing being around kids. But each time we're in groups of kids at church, she clings to me like I'm her lifeline. Actually she is like that even at home. I can't go into another room without her. She's my very dependent sidekick, although if I leave and Carl is here she is fine. I've decided to wait on preschool, because as my cousin who adopted from China told me, "She is telling you what she needs." Obviously she needs mommy time. That is what she hasn't had and she desperately needs it and wants it. The other night I made some popcorn and she and I sat on one couch with our bowls, and Conner was on the other couch with his bowl. We were watching the World Series. She got settled in, took a bite, and then just stopped. She looked at me with this look on her face like this was one of the best moments of her life! She was processing how great this was. Eating on the couch, baseball, family, and the amazing taste of popcorn! She doesn't take naps at home but will fall asleep in the car often. Every single time, when she opens her eyes and she realizes where she is, her eyes light up and she is very happy! I guess she realizes this new life is not going to go away everytime she wakes up. For Halloween, she dressed up as a princess fairy. The crown didn't last long, but she had a great time at Hoopla at church and then handing out candy at our house. Once she realized the drill, she took her job very seriously. If she saw someone turn into our driveway, she would race up to them, and thrust candy into their bag whether they wanted it or not. These early days of adoption are still pretty intense, but it is so incredible to see how far Collins has come in such a short time. She will still test us on things, and still doesn't like to hear "no", but these times are becoming few and far between. She's had to figure out what boundaries are without knowing our language, so we think she's something else to be doing as good as she is! I took her to work with me today, and she sat there for 2.5 hours playing quietly. One of the ladies there who is a teacher, said in all seriousness, that she thought we had won the jackpot with this one. I have to agree. She was definitely worth the wait.
.