I Miss Jesus

We were pulling into the parking lot last week for Conner's basketball game and Collins was singing Happy Birthday to "Jesus died on the cross". She was silent for a few seconds and then quietly said, "I miss Jesus." It was a sweet and funny comment, but it's easy to relate to that on this December 12th. The psalmist said, "The nearness of God is my good", and yet my experience has been that it takes great determination to be near Him at Christmas. We all have so much to DO. The commercialism of Christmas is everywhere. Many are in deep pain. Whether it's busyness or loneliness or the fun of Christmas shopping, cooking and decorating - we can miss Him. How ironic that the celebration of His birthday can be such a distraction from Him. Collins, I miss Jesus too.

The Widows and the Orphans

Carl Toth

Here's picture of Collins and my mom 11 months ago. Collins was meeting her grandmother for the first time. Unfortunately I just spent the past week helping my mom begin the difficult transition of moving into the "assisted living" phase of her life. She's been diagnosed with Alzheimers and has gone from being very independent to someone who is confused and helpless. She struggles with names and remembering things. All of a sudden, normal day to day choices are complex for her. For 5 days I saw her struggles and vulnerability firsthand. By the time I got home, I felt like I had been on a mission trip. I was wiped out emotionally, physically and spiritually by that experience because it was MY mom that was struggling. The trip gave me a renewed understanding of the entire scope of James 1:27. God says part of pure Christianity is taking care of 2 groups of people - the orphan and the widow. We understand the plight of the orphan because of Collins and our experiences with orphans overseas. But now I can understand why God says to take care of both of these groups. They're both alone. They're both vulnerable and broken. As a pastor for 25 years, I've seen so much....but this week changed me. I have a renewed passion for these two groups. They have alot in common, and they're not pleasant similarities. Experiencing their plight firsthand, it's easy to understand why they are especially close to God's heart and why He clearly lets us know that we are to take care of them.

George Mueller on faith

"Remember, the very time for faith to work is when our sight begins to fail. And the greater the difficulties, the easier it is for faith to work, for as long as we can see certain natural solutions to our problems, we will not have faith. Faith never works as easily as when our natural prospects fail." George Mueller

Faith Walk

If one were to speed read the Bible from start to finish, one of the major themes that would surface is that its really important to God that His children trust Him. It was a huge issue with the children of Israel. It was a problem with the disciples... "O ye of little faith". Romans 1:17 says the righteous shall LIVE by faith. Hebrews 11:6 says, "Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him." Faith is simply very important to God. And it's not just that we trust Him for our salvation, but that we LIVE on faith. We trust Him for everything. I've seen this in missionaries who live on faith on so many levels, and through the journey of Orbie for Orphans, we are learning it everyday. The righteous will live by faith. Here's a cool quote I found today written in 1664.

"I find that while faith is steady nothing can disquiet me, and when faith totters nothing can establish me. If I ramble out among means and creatures, I am presently lost, and can come to no end. But if I stay myself on God, and leave Him to work in His own way and time, I am at rest, and can lie down and sleep in a promise, though a thousand rise up against me. Therefore my way is not to cast beforehand, but to walk with God by the day. Keep close to God, and then you need fear nothing." Jospeh Elliot, 1664

The words coming out of her mouth sent shivers up my spine. Collins and I were standing at the front desk of Estes Elementary, registering her for kindergarten. She was unusually agitated and nervous. As I was trying to finish up, my confident and bubbly little girl blurted out something along the lines that she wasn’t worth anything. I was dumbfounded! Not worth anything? This child has been loved and praised continually since we adopted her one year ago. I quickly said, “Collins, you are precious! You are special!” She kept shaking her head saying, “No, I not.” When we got outside she yelled out, “You not come back for me!” She thought that once school started, I was going to bring her to this new place never to return again. Pain started pouring out of her. Tears and mean words flowed. Over and over we went in circles, with many assurances that I would never leave her like that. In the midst of her tears, she kept saying she just wanted to play with Jesus, not me. She wanted to go away with Jesus, not me. I was astonished that 1)she already grasped the truth that Jesus was the one security she had, but also that 2) she thought our 11 months together as a family was just a lie. After all we had been through, how could she possibly think I would stop being faithful to her now? Driving home the thought hit me that if she was experiencing this much pain, how much more those who will never get a family?

Collins was left outside the gate of an orphanage in China when she was a toddler. So on this seemingly normal day, the excruciating pain of her abandonment was rearing its ugly head. When a child is abandoned, neglected or abused, they feel worthless. They feel unlovable. They feel they can’t trust adults, or even God. They believe lies.

Edith Schaeffer once said that a family is a “perpetual relay of truth”. A family provides not only protection and provision, but constant messages of truth. Every single person needs these core messages to survive: You are loved, you are valuable, your needs matter, you can trust others, you can trust God. For orphans and foster children, the baton of truth has dropped, and so they believe lies.

The kindergarten experience with Collins was a good reminder that the wounds of these children are very deep, and it confirmed once again the urgency of the vision God has called us to.

Finally....

The Orbie for Orphans website is practically DONE!! Thank you, Troy Norton, for using your amazing talent to create this tool to get help to hurting, fatherless children. Thank you to our donors who have sacrificed so that our vision and mission can be seen and understood through this website. Join us on this incredible journey! www.orbiefororphans.org

Can you see the transformation? Words are hard to come by right now because this is Collins’ first “Gotcha Day”. One year ago today we walked into a room in southern China and saw our black-haired little girl for the first time. How could I have imagined in that moment all the joy and laughter she would bring our way? How could I have imagined how deeply I would fall in love with this little child? How could I have imagined the enormous changes she would go through…from being terrified and grieving the loss of all she had ever known to bonding so well and loving us all so deeply?

In one year’s time Collins has gone from speaking no English at all to being fluent. Her appearance has changed dramatically. Her behavior has changed dramatically. At times it’s been tough. She has an iron will, and its been a huge adjustment for her to learn to obey and live within boundaries. But Collins has a sweet heart that aims to please, and so she has adapted. As mother and daughter, we have had our battles, but now it’s hard to even remember those fits from the early days. Today she’s my little tag-a-long buddy, who loves to shop, cook and clean with me. She’s a happy, confident, bubbly little girl who is also very ACTIVE! (with 2 old parents J)

One of the great benefits of adopting an older child is that they can communicate what it was like being an orphan. It’s therapeutic for them to verbalize and talk through those hurts and emotions. Collins turned 5 the day after we got home from China, and so about 8 months into the adoption, she began talking through her life “before”. Those conversations have been brief and only come on her terms. But the words have been bittersweet, both chilling and heartwarming all at the same time.

One night as we were laying in bed, she became unusually quiet. She looked up at me and said, “Mommy and Daddy together, right?” I said, “Yes, Mommy and Daddy together forever.” She said, “Then why you not come get me?” She was saying that if we were her forever family, then why was she sitting in an orphanage in southern China for 3 years? Ouch. I wanted to cry as I explained that they wouldn’t let us have her. There were loads of papers that had to be processed. But oh, how we wanted to go get her! They simply wouldn’t let us. She understood, and now she tells people that she was in China because of “papers”.

The other day I was putting on some red tennis shoes I bought in China. She wanted to know all about them and where I got them. Then she said, “Mommy, when I was in China I prayed for a mommy and a daddy. “ Choking back tears, I said, “Did the other kids pray?” She said, “a little bit.” I said, “Collins, Jesus answered your prayers.” She nodded yes with a smile on her face.

Another time she said, “Mommy, when Collins in China, Collins sad. Collins cry. Collins no mommy, no daddy, no brothers.”

That hurt behind those simple words has changed our lives forever and is the motivation for our leading Orbie for Orphans. Statements like that are devastating, especially when you consider that less than 1% of 153 million orphans are adopted each year. The sheer number of children who feel such immense sadness is hard to wrap our minds around. The vast majority will never be like Collins. They’re going to age out of the system without ever getting a family. Orbie for Orphans will focus on getting help and healing for the vast majority that will never get out.

But today…..we CELEBRATE one year of rescue for this amazing little person.

Happy Gotcha Day, Collins!

Our Biggest Leap Thus Far

So.... deciding to adopt and get involved in Orphan Ministry and going to China to get Collins were all LEAPS OF FAITH, but we've just taken the biggest one yet. Carl has resigned from 25 years of church ministry to be the Executive Director of Orbie for Orphans. This is a 501-c-3, non-profit ministry that started out of a wonderful company called Oodles World, which is in the process of making an animated movie, children's Bible Studies and Vacation Bible School curriculum. You can check it out at oodlesworld.com. Our part will be to design and lead Orbie for Orphans to have a significant impact in the battle for children who have lost just about everything, because they have lost their families. We have so many exciting things up our sleeve, but all with the goal of raising awareness and engaging churches to be a part of the rescue process. There is such a TREMENDOUS need to get the light of Christ and the truth of His Word to these hopeless children. The big leap of faith for us is not changing ministries and career paths because this is our passion. This is the most natural thing in the world for us to be doing for the rest of our lives. We can't NOT do it! The step into the deep for us is that we will be raising support for the organization and for our living expenses for the next few years. We recently went to a seminar on support raising. One of the things we looked at was a verse in Luke 8 where is says that as Jesus and His disciples were doing their ministry, they were supported by the provision of others. Jesus who had all the wealth in the world at His disposal chose to live this way. As I sat at this seminar, I wrote down, "Lord, how ludicrous that our fear of this one thing - fundraising- would keep us from the biggest call you have ever put on us. How silly that fear of this one thing would keep us from our passion and our purpose." Risky? Yes, but Carl and I don't want to live with regret. We're diving in!

Collins and Riley - Friends After 6 Months

Collins' Gymnastics Video

Ok, here's the youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIRcy7dKWOc

Our Funny Girl

Oh, so many funny moments with Collins in daily life....She went to a birthday party this week of a friend at school. I was telling her that they were going to JUMP at the party, and jumping on a trampoline is probably her favorite thing to do. When I told her, her eyes lit up, she ran over to hug me and said, "Mommy, I'm SO proud of you!" Even though she is pretty much fluent in English, she gets things a bit mixed up! Today we were at Walmart getting groceries. She loves jello and I was letting her pick out the color she wanted. When we spotted the green one, she jumped up and down, grabbed it, hugged it and said to the jello, "You're just so cute". Now how CUTE is that? Recently we were in the car and she said, "Mommy, I'm swinging my sucker in a circle." Pretty amazing considering she didn't know a word of English when we got her 6 months ago. She's going to school everyday at a Lutheran church, and learning so much. She's started gymnastics and I definitely think this may be her thing because she is built like a gymnast, is very strong and has no fear. I'll try to post her attempt at a backbend that didn't quite happen....Spencer has put it on youtube thinking it'll get so many hits we're gonna make some $. Its pretty funny. When she gets mad at any of us, she'll still say, "I'm gonna tell EVERYBODY!" as she cuts her eyes and points her finger. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around how far we've come in 6 months. We've had hard days, but her progress in learning how to behave has been amazing to me. She hasn't had one behavior problem in school and now goes to her Sunday School class or Awanas and just fits right in. We've had another little adopted girl come over for a playdate as well so life is beginning to resemble what would be normal for a 5 year old child. A friend was trying to tell Collins the other day that her brothers name was Conner not Tonna. She said, "Cowwins no like Conner. Cowwins likes Tonna!" I guess she can call him whatever she wants. The other day we were riding in the car in silence and all of a sudden I hear her little husky voice, "Mommy, you make Cowwins happy." That was a precious, precious moment for me. Being the main disciplinarian because I'm with her all the time, we've had some tough moments. She has very strong will. She can get so mad at me, and yet she rebounds quickly and turns into this sweet little buttercup. We are blessed beyond reason with this child. I had wondered if she was aware of her cleft lip scar, and just this week she told me she wanted to get her lip fixed and have a lip like mine. It saddened me that she even knew that she was "different", and I know it will be painful to have it all restored. We are going to Chapel Hill to meet with a cranio facial team very soon to begin the process. Overall, Collins is blooming and its a lot of fun to watch.

Happenings....

We are so busy doing life its hard to find time to blog. I'm down with the flu right now, so here goes....Collins continues to progress in a million ways. She keeps us laughing most of the time. Her english is phenomenal considering we got her less than 5 months ago. One of the biggest blessings for her and us right now is her school. She is going to 1/2 day kindergarten at a Lutheran church five days a week. She wouldn't let me leave her there for about the first week, but we learned a little song "Mommy Comes Back", and finally it registered with her that I would always come back for her. Yesterday was the first time she would let me leave her in Sunday School, and last Wednesday was the first time she let me leave her in Awanas. So....big, big steps forward! Tomorrow we're going to Arkansas to my mom's house. She has been packing her little pink suitcase for weeks. My cousin Beth, adopted a little girl from China years ago. Her name is Jade and she and Collins' birthdays are 2 days apart in the same year! Beth and I went on this journey together so many years ago, and here we are about to bring our girls together. Faith becoming sight.....The other day Collins wanted to sit in the very back seat in our van and I was saying "no". She said, "My cousin Jade telled me to sit in the bat (back)." Her english words are pretty much right, but one that makes me laugh that she says often is "crelly", which is "pretty". She is playing basketball, the only girl on the team. She cracks us up because she plays it just like Spencer did at that age....like it is football! Knocking people over, and yelling at them if they try and guard her. She's competitive and aggressive in sports, and then yet she's lovable and sweet and girly all at the same time. She spends alot of time changing outfits, accessorizing, doing her hair....The other day she saw my wedding picture and wondered about it. I told her that was the day Daddy and Mommy got married. She burst out with, "Where's mine?" I explained this wasn't going to happen until she grew up, to which she burst out crying that it wasn't happening now....Oh my....She's gone to such extremes in such a short time, to having nothing to having so much. Reality hasn't quite set in that she doesn't get everything that she wants. I keep telling her thats not how life works out here, and she's slowly getting it I think. That has been such a lesson for me, just relating that to my relationship with Christ. He gives me millions of things everyday, every breath that I take, and yet I dare to get upset when He doesn't give me something I want? Yikes....Being an orphan, Collins learned to be a blamer. If someone does something she doesn't like (especially Carl or me), she'll cut those beautiful eyes, lift her chin up and say, "I tell Tonna (Conner)"! Recently she has started saying, "I tell everybody!" Last night, she got really upset when we asked her to go upstairs to get her bath. The situation went south, and finally after I had her in bed she was still crying. I said, "Collins, Mommy and Daddy love you. We give you food, and toys and drive you to school....and you threw a fit just because we asked you to take a bath?" A few seconds later came the sweetest little, "I sowwy, Mommy!" We're finally able to reason with her and she understands. Those outbursts are becoming few and far between, but I like posting them in here so I can remember them. They can be pretty funny. One night she was mad at me for making her brush her teeth (geeez) and she told me she was mad at me. Then she blurted out, "I LOVE SAVANNAH!" Savannah is Spencer's girlfriend who she absolutely adores. I asked her if she loved Spencer? No. Mommy and Daddy? No. Conner? No. Just "I LOVE SAVANNAH". Another day she was mad at me for not letting her wear flip flops in the snow. She was in time out in the kitchen. I had gone upstairs, and when I started coming back down, she was standing at the bottom of the stairs. Her hand was on her hip, hip out, chin high and eyes cut. She said, "Cowwins no love Mommy, Cowwins love Daddy!" She's hilarious..... Friday was a hard day. Friends of ours, Cody and Maria Whittaker, lost their little 4 year old daughter to cancer. Carl and I had an appointment with them at noon on Friday. When we pulled up and got to their front door, we knew she had just died because we could hear them crying. Standing in Susana's bedroom, seeing her tiny body, I had such a strong sense that she was not there. And she wasn't, she was experiencing "absent from the body, present with the Lord." How any family can go through something like this without the hope of Christ is beyond me. After about 30 minutes, I had to go pick up Collins. I ended up taking their 6 year old, Isabela, with me to spend the day with us. We picked up 2 other friends. It was neat to see God use Collins' bouncy personality and these other little girls to help Isabela through a very tough day. You can check out the blog of Susana's story at howcantheyhear.org.

Susana's Suffering

My heart is so heavy tonight for our friends Cody and Maria Whittaker. They took that big leap of faith over a year ago to move to Haiti to serve the orphans there. 2 months later the earthquake hit, and then 2 months after that the real bomb dropped. Their 4 year old, Susana, was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. After all these months of treatment in Asheville, Florida, and at Duke, things were looking up. But then today came the news. It's not good. You can read their post from today at:

http://www.howcantheyhear.org/?p=2668

I got the news while shopping with Collins at Walmart. She helped me pick out a doll and some suckers for Susana and her sister Isabella. Tonight at bedtime we went to say our prayers and we talked about praying for the little girl who is sick. Collins ran with it. Through charades and words, she led me through what to pray. First the suckers, then no tong (hurt) in her tummy, no tong in her head, throat, left eye, right eye, arms, elbows and legs. And a little child shall lead them....

Much Laughter

Collins continues to make us laugh everyday. She's got a big personality and quick wit, so there's not a day that goes by that we aren't smiling at this little one. She's a little general who monitors if everyone in the household says "thank you" and "I'm sorry" when they are supposed to. She even monitors and has caught someone not washing their hands after going to the restroom! Her eyebrows go up, she points her finger, cuts her eyes and has that look like she just caught you in a serious crime. It's hilarious. Yesterday I couldn't find my keys and she lit up and said "Cowwins find it!" She went to my van, climbed all the way to the back end, pulled out a purse of hers and there they were. She had gone through the house and put some treasures in her own purse. She keeps me humble, having told me I was "too big" in some places and "too small" in others. Aaaah! This morning I had washed my face and was putting on lotion. I told her we put lotion on our skin so it will be beautiful. She pointed to my pre-makeup face and said, "Mommy's skin NO beautiful. But Mommy's nose is beautiful and Mommy's ear is beautiful." Most of the time she's a lovebug, kissing and hugging and full of joy and enthusiasm. She says, "I wuv you" quite often. Her tantrums are almost gone completely. Thats pretty fantastic since it was 4 months today that we saw her for the first time! The progress in her behavior has truly been amazing to witness. But....she still has her moments, don't we all? She's a 5 year old child. Today her little strong will was really strong. She got upset because I wouldn't let her wear flip flops (we still have snow on the ground). A tantrum ensued with her ending up in time out. She kept telling me that she was gonna tell Tonna (Conner) on me. I told her she had to stay there until she said she was sorry. After awhile I heard a mean "I'm sorry". When I asked her if she really meant it, she got mad again and pointed to the corner she was in and said "I stay here!" Then she said "Cowwin's strong!" and showed the muscle in her arm...I tried to tell her she didn't have to be the tough girl anymore. We loved her no matter what and would take care of her. It didn't take long before the flip switched and she was playing and giggling and life was good again. The longer she is here, the more relaxed she is. She's calming down as she gets more secure. We still are dealing with alot of separation anxiety though. I'm in half day kindergarten with her, and Awanas, and Sunday School. She will not let me leave her except with family and a few friends. Although she actually did have a sleepover with our friends the Crawfords! I couldn't believe it and still can't. She did great and even got to feed the horses. One of the things that makes me laugh the most is her little female manipulation tactics. If I tell her something she doesn't like, like "go get your socks" or "go brush your teeth", she's get this little pouty look and say, "Cowwins cry!" To which we smile and say, "go ahead...". She and I were in Walmart recently buying groceries before the big snow. She was in the cart and leaned into me for a hug. I went through the list of everybody that loves Collins and when I said Jesus loves Collins, she said, "Let's pray." I said, "Now?". She nodded, took my grocery list and held both of my hands. So right there in the baking aisle at Walmart, here comes "Jesus loves-a me Daddy. Jesus loves-m Saspensah. Jesus loves-a me Tonna..." She's teaching me to pray without ceasing in more ways than one! She is also playing Upward basketball and her first game was today. Lots of dribbling and holding the ball, but no attempts at shooting. She loves to "do hair", wear frilly dresses and play with baby dolls. But even more so, she is physically strong, active and very athletic. All that combined with her comedy makes her the perfect fit for the Toth household. Carl, Spencer and Conner laugh at her alot, and I often think, "What if we had missed this?"