Hey Friends,

Our 2nd day with Collins went great. We were finally able to get her out of her orphanage clothes and shoes, give her a bath and put on some of her new clothes. She went swimming at the pool, and even finally got the courage to let her Dad hold her and take her out to the middle. She is the most active child I think I have ever been around! She tackles everything with exuberance. She is not afraid of anything whatsoever. She bounces and giggles and skips and bucks and runs every waking moment! She is very happy and grins all the time.

On Day 3 we went to visit her orphanage. We were given the option and wanted to do it as it would be so good to see where Collins came from, as long as it wouldn't be difficult for her. Our guide thought it would be fine if we went as long as she was doing good, which she was. Grace talked to her 2 times about what we were doing, that she would be going back with her mom and dad to tell her friends goodbye. But then that she would leave with Mommy and Daddy. She agree, and off we went. It was a 2 hour drive from Guangzhou. Because it's in a province that is doing well economically, the orphanage was a really good one as far as orphanages go. It was a government run one that combined a nursing home with an orphanage holding about 130 children, mostly special needs. Our guide told us that very few children in this orphanage are adopted internationally. They had a playground, school room and dining hall. We saw the bed where Collins slept. It was in a room with about 12 cots. No mattresses, just a straw mat on top of the springs. There was nothing in the room other than cots, and a television on the wall. The classroom had a few desks and that was it. The babies had just woken up from their naps. We walked up to the 3rd level and there they were. 16 babies lined up on the sidewalk leaning up against the railing getting a chance to be outside. None of them made a sound. Dead silence. I leaned down to one of them and waved and said hi. He burst into tears as if he was realizing what he didn't have--a mom. He turned his face to the concrete, and kept crying the entire time we were there, face to the wall. The older kids followed us around the whole time we were there. One caught our eye and we asked about her. She is 12, and has been on the list to be adopted for 2 years but no one has come forward. If she is not adopted by age 14, then she won't be eligible. Her special need is that she has Hep B. I wondered what she thought about seeing Collins with her parents and yet knowing no one had picked her. As it got time for us to leave, we could tell Collins was getting nervous. She was playing with her friends. This was the only family she had ever known and she was about to leave them forever...for the second time. She stood in a corner and refused to leave and then came the tears. Carl had to pick her up and carry her. That was a really long walk to the van with her kicking and screaming and sobbing. We tried everything to calm her down to no avail. But about 20 minutes down the road, she finally quit crying and began eating peanut butter crackers. In a little bit she started making funny faces at me. She is such a comedian, and I suppose that was her way of making up with us. Eventually, she took her seat belt off and climbed in my lap and kissed me 4-5 times on the face. This was the first time she had shown such affection! She is an amazing little girl. She's had to be a survivor, and seems to make the choice for herself to be happy. The rest of the day she was back to being the smiling, giggly, energetic child she was on Day 2. I wrote her name "Collins Toth" on a piece of paper when we got back. I turned to do something else and she had taken a pen and copied it letter for letter on another piece of paper!

Today is Day 4 and she's had another fun day. We took her to church and sat on the back row for a quick escape if need be. She NEVER sat still the entire time, but we made it through. She had another fun day at the pool, playing with Conner and Carl. Another funny thing about this sweet girl is that she can EAT! We have to limit her food because she never stops which is typical for a child coming out of an orphanage. Tonight she ate 2 pieces of chicken, 2 rolls, and mashed potatoes. She is only 4! I wouldn't let her eat a corn on the cob after that, I was afraid she was going to throw up. She got very upset but then I just let her carry it around until bedtime and she was okay with that. I guess just holding it gave her security. She is also very neat. She found a new package of Disney underwear I brought. She pulled each pair out, popped them and carefully laid them on the table. She didn't stop until all 6 were laid right on top of each other just perfectly. Today has been an introduction to discipline too. She's testing the boundaries big time. She playfully tests us on almost everything (with a huge charming smile on her face). So we're finding a balance between trying to understand where she's coming from (plus the language barrier) and yet still give her the security that she is not the boss and there are some things that aren't acceptable like running into the street. We are constantly hugging and kissing her, and telling her we love here in Cantonese (with a southern accent of course).

Carl and I have talked about the lessons we are seeing lived out through this experience. One is the unspeakable joy of this adoption and how this is just a speck of the joy that God experiences when He adopts us into His family. And then the orphanage day...how like human nature we want to go back to what is familiar, to what is comfortable to what we can see even though it's not very good. That's the Biblical story of the Israelites, wanting to go back to bondage in Egypt and not move ahead to the abundance of the Promise Land. In that moment at the orphanage, Collins was reaching back because she had NO IDEA of the amazing life she has ahead of her, no clue whatsoever. So often we go kicking and screaming as God calls us out to something so much better. Love you all, will keep you posted.

New Pictures of our beautiful daughter Collins

"Gotcha Day"

Thursday, Sept. 16, 2010 at 8:34pm

Oh me, oh my!! What a day and what a girl! We met Collins yesterday at 2:30. When we got to the government building our agency guide, Grace, told us that the orphanage caregiver who brought Collins said that she was so excited and she was telling everybody that she was getting a mommy and a daddy. But when she walked out to us she was scared to death. She stood stiff as a board, clinging to her caregiver's hand and clutching her pink backpack that had all her earthly belongings in it. She had brought food and that seemed to comfort her while we began doing paperwork. She liked the doll we brought her the best. After awhile, the caregiver left and you could tell she was really nervous. But she tried to be brave and kept a stiff upper lip. She held my hand while we walked to the van, but once those van doors shut and we started moving, the tears began to fall. She was sobbing. I told Carl to start singing (he has a soothing voice), but he was crying right along with her. So then I started crying. Once we got it together we both started singing "I Cast All My Cares." Once we got to the hotel she marched right in and seemed amazed. Coming from an orphanage to a beautiful hotel with a waterfall and fish in the lobby was really something! We got to the room and she and Conner started playing ball. She came to life! Giggling, jumping up and down and grinning from ear to ear. She was fascinated by everything: our camera, the television, the toilet, the cell phone and computer. We think she is scary smart! She worked a 24-piece Dora puzzle that came in a box. She was determined to get it right and wouldn't quite until she finished it. She ran from thing to thing, so fascinated by lotions and the art of "tooth brushing." She watched me closely and did exactly what I did. She had two more meltdowns, once when Grace left and once when walked outside of the hotel to eat. A wonderful shop owner rescued us. She had a kitten and that darned cat helped to calm her down and distract her. At bedtime, she refused to take her Barbie dress and pink shoes off. I guess those are the only things she has that are familiar to her, that and her pink backpack. So she fell asleep in bed with us, fully clothed, watching a Dora cartoon. We are speechless. To think that this beautiful, energetic orphan is now our very own child is beyond description. Gotta run to do more government meetings. Will blog again later today.

We're in Hong Kong and the Journey Begins!

So far we've tried to recover from the 16 hour flight from Detroit to Hong Kong. Grueling but we made it. We've toured the harbor (absolutely breathtaking!) and shopped a little. This feels like New York City on steroids! Masses and masses of people everywhere, lights, all kinds of smells and activity everywhere 24/7. You can see on this blue apartment building how people stick poles out of their window and hang their clothes on them to dry! Whatever works I guess...We haven't ventured out too much eating wise: breakfast at McDonald's, lunch at Pizza Hut and dinner at KFC! 3 days til we get Collins!

Carl's Thoughts

It all started when our son Spencer was 12. He walked into the kitchen and asked his mom, "If you had $10,000 would you give it so that someone would become a Christian?" To his mom's "yes", he then asked, "So why wouldn't you adopt a little girl from China?" God spoke to Jill first probably because this decision would affect her the most on a day to day basis. By the time it came my way I was justifying how this was just not the right thing to do for our family. My points of justification were all centered around me. We weren't far from enjoying the benefits of the empty nest. Also this was going to cost $ that we didn't have. I was nearing 50 at that time and knew I needed to be thinking about retirement. It seemed like the more I looked for excuses to say no, God continued to speak to me in a more powerful way. Once I made the decision to go ahead with it, I knew it was the right thing for our family. But it still was a faith walk. Our busy life? My age? The $20,000 we needed? My wife kept telling me that $20,000 was the cost of a car! A little girl's life or a car? Easy enough. It was cool how He kept reaffirming this decision though logically it didn't make sense. Our Sunday School class went through some amazing Bible studies and books that continually kept His plan for us right in the front of my mind and heart: Chasing Daylight, The Dream Giver and The Hole In Our Gospel. He also put families in our lives who had little girls. I love to hear them giggle! We kept running into families who have adopted, and every story of every child blew my mind.

When Jill and I got married and started having kids, I wanted to have girls. I was terrified of having boys because I thought they would grow up and be like me as a teenager! A warped view of God gave me the idea that it would be "pay back" time if we had boys. But instead God demonstrated His grace through my two boys, Spencer and Conner. He got a hold of their hearts at a young age, and they have been such a pleasure to raise. Jill and I are two people who met in seminary and fell in love while studying theology. So I have to wrap some theology in here because this experience we are going through screams so much truth about God! As we go to China, I think God is about ready to reveal a powerful truth to us: When we adopt, He will show us the magnitude of His adoption of us. We can read about salvation. We can study the good news of the gospel. But when we put flesh to it, and we can see Collins for the first time, I think we will have a new understanding of what God has done in grafting us into His family, and of the immensity of His love. Throughout this process God has been unveiling Scripture to me that I've never seen before. You know how you will read something and its like a lightbulb comes on? I know that I know that I know that rescuing orphans is close His heart. We're not all called to adopt or be foster parents. But I believe God's people are called to relieve their suffering. I know He wants to use us to bring them out of their darkness. When I get to experience the joy of receiving Collins, I think I might get a glimpse of the joy God gets when someone responds to His love and grace through Christ. I can't wait!

A Future and a Hope

On August 11^th, 2010 I watched my firstborn load up all of his belongings in his friend’s car. They took off on a 4 day trip to Los Angeles to start school at The Master’s College. As a mom seeing the first one fly out of the nest, you can imagine my emotions the rest of the day. I felt lost. Missing him, worrying about his future, the 4 day car ride, the extreme turn his life was taking. "What this gonna be okay, Lord? Is this the best thing for my child?" I’ve been reading through the Chronological Bible this year, and in the passage for that day was this verse from Jeremiah 29:

"For behold, I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

Ahhhhh….a future and a hope. Such great news for Spencer, such great news for Israel when this was written. This verse comes in a time of deep darkness in their history. They were in bondage in Babylon, and things were bleak. Yet God sends a message of hope during that time, a promise of a great future. I can’t help but think of Collins and what her life experience will be. She’s in a dark place right now. Her future is bleak. She has no mom or dad. She lives in an orphanage. In the book that has been sitting on my coffee table for 4 years are these words about orphan girls in China:

“In the cities of China, tucked somewhere off the beaten path, are the buildings that house the local social welfare institutions, and inside, the small faces, the children left behind in the shadow of progress. Walk through an orphanage, and you'll be forever changed. Newborns, newly found. Toddlers in their wheelie chairs. Older children who have been in the institution for years and will be there years more. Little ones with cleft palates, burns, and other scars, visible and invisible. Totally undeserving of the world’s hardship, they represent each of us at our smallest and most vulnerable. The human family is meant to fill such immense primal loneliness. A mother’s embrace is needed, a father’s hug, a grandparent’s indulgent smile. Yet these children have lost everyone at once.” (Mei, Mei)

Losing everyone at once? That is darkness indeed. And yet it is so incredible to think about the turn that Collins' life will take. There will be so much light! A family who will be crazy in love with her. 2 big brothers who are pretty awesome. 2 grandmother’s who will give her indulgent smiles. So many fun friends and cousins, and even a little brown dog named Riley. Best of all, she will grow up knowing about the Light of the World who came 2,000 years ago to bring all of us out of the darkness into His glorious light. The future and the hope that He has in store for Collins Toth? It simply takes my breath away.

We will see her face to face in 20 days!

The Question We Are Asked the Most

It's incredible and surreal, but absolutely true. We are traveling overseas in September or October to pick up our daughter, a 4 year old little girl who currently lives in an orphanage in China. We were matched with her about 10 weeks ago after a very long wait. Her name will be changed from Jiang Hai Mei to Collins Mei Toth. Collins was my grandmother's maiden name. From what the orphanage has told us, she is something else! Her favorite thing to do is to sing and dance. She is quite the extrovert and LOVES to talk. Long before we were matched with her, I brought before God a sort of quirky request. Would he give us a little girl that was funny? My teenage boys would really enjoy that. My dad and grandmother were both funny, and they are both living in heaven now. The FIRST characteristic given to us about this child in her paperwork? That she had a "quick wit". You can actually look into her eyes in her picture and see it!

The question we are asked the most is, "How and why did you decide to do this?" It doesn't make alot of sense. We are on the cusp of an empty nest. Spencer is leaving for college this week on the complete opposite side of the country and Conner is starting his junior year in high school. We're no spring chickens. I'm 46 and Carl is 55. We certainly didn't have the money to pull this off. We're some of the busiest people I know already, barely able to juggle it all. And yet the raw truth is God spoke and led us specifically to do this specific thing. I think He delights in guiding our paths to do things that are out of the box. Things that don't make sense, things we can't do on our own. He lives completely out of the box we try to put Him in, in our very limited view of things. As we listen to Him and follow, He calls us to live out of the box. Out of what's comfortable. Out of what's ordinary and mundane. He is a dynamic God that is moving and working and pressing His light into very dark places. I know the heart of a child who has no one to love them has got to be one of the saddest, darkest places in the world. And so, He spoke to us and told us to do this. It came over time. There was a desire for more children. A fear of living with regret at the end of my life. It began coming at me in different ways, from Scripture, circumstances, radio programs, magazine articles... One night I was wide awake at 3:00 a.m., wrestling in my spirit about this decision. I prayed, "Lord, could you give me something NOW to guide me in this?" I climbed the steps to check on my boys, grabbed a Bible in Conner's room, opened it and began to read in Matthew. Just a few verses in, and there it was: "He who welcomes a little child in My name, welcomes Me." Crystal clear. Done.

It took Carl awhile longer. I tried not to manipulate or "spiritualize" it, because if this is what we were to do, he would be shown in time too. In the fall of 2005, the call was clear and undeniable. We told our families that Christmas. In their best estimate, Collins Mei Toth was born in the fall of 2005.