A Future and a Hope

On August 11^th, 2010 I watched my firstborn load up all of his belongings in his friend’s car. They took off on a 4 day trip to Los Angeles to start school at The Master’s College. As a mom seeing the first one fly out of the nest, you can imagine my emotions the rest of the day. I felt lost. Missing him, worrying about his future, the 4 day car ride, the extreme turn his life was taking. "What this gonna be okay, Lord? Is this the best thing for my child?" I’ve been reading through the Chronological Bible this year, and in the passage for that day was this verse from Jeremiah 29:

"For behold, I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

Ahhhhh….a future and a hope. Such great news for Spencer, such great news for Israel when this was written. This verse comes in a time of deep darkness in their history. They were in bondage in Babylon, and things were bleak. Yet God sends a message of hope during that time, a promise of a great future. I can’t help but think of Collins and what her life experience will be. She’s in a dark place right now. Her future is bleak. She has no mom or dad. She lives in an orphanage. In the book that has been sitting on my coffee table for 4 years are these words about orphan girls in China:

“In the cities of China, tucked somewhere off the beaten path, are the buildings that house the local social welfare institutions, and inside, the small faces, the children left behind in the shadow of progress. Walk through an orphanage, and you'll be forever changed. Newborns, newly found. Toddlers in their wheelie chairs. Older children who have been in the institution for years and will be there years more. Little ones with cleft palates, burns, and other scars, visible and invisible. Totally undeserving of the world’s hardship, they represent each of us at our smallest and most vulnerable. The human family is meant to fill such immense primal loneliness. A mother’s embrace is needed, a father’s hug, a grandparent’s indulgent smile. Yet these children have lost everyone at once.” (Mei, Mei)

Losing everyone at once? That is darkness indeed. And yet it is so incredible to think about the turn that Collins' life will take. There will be so much light! A family who will be crazy in love with her. 2 big brothers who are pretty awesome. 2 grandmother’s who will give her indulgent smiles. So many fun friends and cousins, and even a little brown dog named Riley. Best of all, she will grow up knowing about the Light of the World who came 2,000 years ago to bring all of us out of the darkness into His glorious light. The future and the hope that He has in store for Collins Toth? It simply takes my breath away.

We will see her face to face in 20 days!

The Question We Are Asked the Most

It's incredible and surreal, but absolutely true. We are traveling overseas in September or October to pick up our daughter, a 4 year old little girl who currently lives in an orphanage in China. We were matched with her about 10 weeks ago after a very long wait. Her name will be changed from Jiang Hai Mei to Collins Mei Toth. Collins was my grandmother's maiden name. From what the orphanage has told us, she is something else! Her favorite thing to do is to sing and dance. She is quite the extrovert and LOVES to talk. Long before we were matched with her, I brought before God a sort of quirky request. Would he give us a little girl that was funny? My teenage boys would really enjoy that. My dad and grandmother were both funny, and they are both living in heaven now. The FIRST characteristic given to us about this child in her paperwork? That she had a "quick wit". You can actually look into her eyes in her picture and see it!

The question we are asked the most is, "How and why did you decide to do this?" It doesn't make alot of sense. We are on the cusp of an empty nest. Spencer is leaving for college this week on the complete opposite side of the country and Conner is starting his junior year in high school. We're no spring chickens. I'm 46 and Carl is 55. We certainly didn't have the money to pull this off. We're some of the busiest people I know already, barely able to juggle it all. And yet the raw truth is God spoke and led us specifically to do this specific thing. I think He delights in guiding our paths to do things that are out of the box. Things that don't make sense, things we can't do on our own. He lives completely out of the box we try to put Him in, in our very limited view of things. As we listen to Him and follow, He calls us to live out of the box. Out of what's comfortable. Out of what's ordinary and mundane. He is a dynamic God that is moving and working and pressing His light into very dark places. I know the heart of a child who has no one to love them has got to be one of the saddest, darkest places in the world. And so, He spoke to us and told us to do this. It came over time. There was a desire for more children. A fear of living with regret at the end of my life. It began coming at me in different ways, from Scripture, circumstances, radio programs, magazine articles... One night I was wide awake at 3:00 a.m., wrestling in my spirit about this decision. I prayed, "Lord, could you give me something NOW to guide me in this?" I climbed the steps to check on my boys, grabbed a Bible in Conner's room, opened it and began to read in Matthew. Just a few verses in, and there it was: "He who welcomes a little child in My name, welcomes Me." Crystal clear. Done.

It took Carl awhile longer. I tried not to manipulate or "spiritualize" it, because if this is what we were to do, he would be shown in time too. In the fall of 2005, the call was clear and undeniable. We told our families that Christmas. In their best estimate, Collins Mei Toth was born in the fall of 2005.